Monday, February 01, 2010

Layoffs at CycleDog

I deeply regret being forced to make this announcement, but given the downturn in the economy and the cutbacks we all have to endure, I'll have to let some of you go. Layoffs are always painful. There's no way around it. The family budget simply will not permit the current state to continue indefinitely. Shrinking revenues lead to shrinking groceries. We have to cut the fat, so the very first layoff will involve my own adipose tissues.

I'm well aware of your years of service, providing buoyancy in rough waters, an insulating layer against the cold, and the potential to see us through lean times. Unfortunately, those lean times are upon us as we've cut back on both groceries and restaurant food. You've served well and it's my fondest hope you find another position soon. Wally says that several of his ex-wives have posteriors which could readily accommodate all of you.

In a way, this situation is a two-edged sword. Budget cuts have also forced the reduction of alcohol consumption in the CycleDog homestead. Normally, this would be cause for celebration as it's well known that brain cells and booze do not co-exist well. Booze is the ultimate winner in any contest involving the two. In this instance, however, both alcohol and brain cells will be cut back. Obviously, the budget forces the booze reduction. She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed insists that the majority of my brain cells are unused anyway, and She could use the storage space.

So far, the muscles are not facing imminent furlough. They're needed for shoveling snow, lifting sacks of groceries, and once spring arrives, pushing the lawn mower to and fro. For the moment, the distal muscles, particularly those that operate the remote control, are essential to further operations. In all honesty, due to the reduction in brain cells and the booze budget, those muscles working the remote control are likely to retain regular employment. Still, since the reduced number of brain cells might lead to increased consumption of daytime television and prime time 'reality' shows, the cutbacks in the alcohol budget may need to be reconsidered.

Thank you for your years of service, and good luck in the future.



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