Ask Dr. Wally - Handlebar tape

Image from Tambako the Jaguar on Flickr

Dear Dr. Wally,

My beloved cat, Fluffy, died recently from complications resulting from a life of dissipation, gluttony, and lack of exercise. She was quite large. I'm thinking of memorializing her by applying her hide to my handlebars as a kind of furry bar tape. Despite tireless searches on the interweb, I haven't found any method of performing this. Can you help? Oh, she's in the refrigerator until I hear from you.

Remorseful in Ramona

You're just messing with me, aren't you? Everyone knows you can't apply a cat's hide to your handlebars. The fur offers no padding whatsoever and once it gets wet, it stays matted down. Use sheepskin instead. Wool is a springy, shock absorbing material that cleans up easily with a bit of Woolite. I'd save the cat hide for doing static electricity demonstrations for the neighbor's kids, the obnoxious ones with their iPods, cellphones, laptops, and ground thumping stereo systems. Microcircuits don't like static discharges, but you didn't hear that from me!

Next month: Avoiding blood sucking monkeys from West Mifflin, Pennsylvania