Sunday, September 21, 2008

On the campaign trail with Wally Crankset



BROKEN ELBOW METEOR NEWS

NEWBY, OKLAHOMA

21SEPT2008


CRANKSET SPEAKS OUT ON FINANCIAL CRISIS


Dr. Crankset departed from his usual campaign speech to address the melt down in the nation's banking system. "Crisis?" he said, "What crisis?" The small audience in the school cafeteria gasped. Dr. Crankset continued, "They want to blame all of you for this! The banks are saying that they're in trouble because ordinary people aren't re-paying their loans. They're saying that you're all deadbeats. So the government has to bail them out by handing out money - your money - to keep them from going under."

"But who made those loans in the first place? My brother-in-law, Eddie, didn't qualify for a loan for years because he just didn't make enough money as a freelance cartoonist, yet a couple of years ago, he bought a $250,000 house! Of course he couldn't pay for it! But some wacko loan officer approved him. Now the bank wants you to pay for their poor decision, and does anyone want to guess if Eddie will be off the hook? Or will the bank take a federal hand out and go after him for as much as they can get?"

Mort Sillbersoll asked, "Doc, I'm from over in Katushamingo County, and I just lost my house. The county voter registrar is sayin' that since I don't live there anymore I can't vote! It ain't right!"

"You're absolutely correct," Dr. Crankset replied. "The same thing is happening all over the country, not just here. They're purging all sorts of people from the voter rolls, Mort. And I won't lie to you about this, but I think it's a good thing if it prevents fraudulent votes, like those stories of the dead coming back to vote in Chicago. The hell of it is, though, that it probably gets more real people off the rolls, people like you, and that's wrong. There was a time in this country that voters had to be property owners or at least own a mule. If I recall right, Ben Franklin then asked if the right to vote resided in the man or in the mule."

The audience laughed politely, and Crankset continued, "It looks like we're seeing the return of that kind of reasoning. The right to vote appears to reside in that house, not in the fact that you're a citizen. And as I look around the room, I see citizens, not houses, and not mules. Though when I see some Oklahoma politicians and officious bureaucrats, it's easy to see a resemblance to mules. I try not to do that because it would be offensive...to the mules."

"Mort, politics is supposed to be about solving problems, and you've posed a good one. Voter registration here in Oklahoma has to be completed 24 days before the next election, so you have until October 10th to change your address and get a new card. I'm truly sorry that you lost your house, Mort, and I ask you to vote for me in November so that together we can prevent this calamity from impacting other people in Oklahoma and across our nation. It's not a question of party politics or ideology. It's just the right thing to do."

The Broken Elbow Meteor News will offer continuing coverage of Dr. Crankset's campaign.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Brandon said...

Wally is a little confused, you really don't have to be a citizen to vote ;) It wouldn't be fair if we asked people for ID and proof of citizenship before they voted. Sigh.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Ed W said...

Despite our friendship, I'll probably have to endorse someone else for vice president soon. But he said something about IDs and citizenship once that stuck with me. He said, "Turn out your pockets right now and find some document that proves you're a citizen. A driver's license doesn't cut it. Do you carry your passport or birth certificate? If immigration stopped you in the next five minutes, what's to stop them from deporting your sorry butt?"

He's like that.

7:43 PM  

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