Thursday, August 24, 2006

Arrogant cyclists (Satire)

From the mail bag. Name withheld by request...


It's common knowledge that all cyclists are scofflaws, intent on flagrantly disobeying every traffic law ever devised. They rip through stop signs and traffic lights. They blaze along sidewalks, scattering pedestrians in their wake. And they piss off each and every decent, law-abiding motorist they encounter. Cyclists are vermin.

Worse yet, they're all tree-hugging greens and liberals, bound by a common thread of far-left ideology. They won't be satisfied until the whole trafic network is brought down to their level and good people everywhere are forced from their cars onto those infernal two-wheeled death machines.

Cyclists enjoy a secret underground communication system that keeps all of them on message, a system that rivals the Republican party's talking points for it's all-encompassing nature. It's uncannily accurate and capable of overwhelming nearly any opposition. Every cyclist in the country is plugged into the network, and they're all true believers in the cause. Ask any bicyclist about Sheryl Crow, for example, and they'll let you in on all the dirt. Likewise anything to do with doping, Floyd Landis, or the redoubtably obscure Tour of Langkawi. It's almost like they have a hive mind, like bees or ants.

Every cyclist signs a pledge to snarl traffic, increase motorist's blood pressure, and generally practice vehicular mayhem. It's all part of the plan. They're trying to disrupt traffic all across the country and eventually throughout the whole world. They'll settle for nothing less than total domination. They are determined to conquer the world, turning the entire planet into their personal playground and making life hell for the rest of us. This cycling vision of Utopia is most likely drug-induced.

The diabolical plan moved forward in complete obscurity until the Department of Homeland Security announced its discovery. Just days ago, federal agents alerted police agencies across the country of the insidious plot. Bicycle riders are expected to use our streets and roadways while wearing brightly colored jerseys, shiny helmets, and far-too-tight black shorts, the uniform of the ultra-left. DHS spokesman Wally Crankset said, "While we recognize the inalienable right of all Americans to speak and act in greatly differing ways, when they become too different, they're subversive mothers!" Mr. Crankset went on to denounce all cyclists as Communist sympathizers and probable terrorists until he was lead off to a waiting ambulance for a well-deserved rest.

All good cloth-coat-wearin' Americans are urged to contact local police agencies if they observe any of these wild-eyed subversives disrupting traffic. Call the FBI, the Justice Department, and the United States Marines too. We can never be too careful.

Gotta go. It's medication time again.

2 Comments:

Blogger George said...

Oh shit.

Looks like I better lock myself up for my own good.

5:34 AM  
Blogger Tuco said...

They're on to us!!

Seriously though, you know those times when you hit a long, undulating road which is well paved and rides smooth, and you think "I can't wait till this is ALL MINE!" (i.e. when all the cars are gone) - those times are when cyclists are being truly greedy.

1:17 PM  

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