Wednesday, April 05, 2006

True Believers

We had Baptists in the house one night last week and they were intent on quizzing me about my religious beliefs. I need to get a big can of Baptist-Be-Gone and spray it around liberally. They're harder to get rid of than cockroaches. On the other hand, if they show up again (and I'm sure they will) I may start hitting the whiskey bottle and dancing in my underwear. That'll do it! The disturbing mental image of a slightly pudgy middle-aged man prancing about in tighty whities like Tom Cruise may be the only thing stopping me.

The Cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been refreshingly free of schisms, sects, and hidebound theology. With a history stretching back all the way to last summer, this is a considerable feat! Though to be completely fair, we’re all looking for some good, hot sects. (Sorry. I just couldn’t resist!) Canoodling, after all, is based on the German word ‘nudel’ which is obviously a kind of pasta. Hence, the connection to the FSM and His Noodly Appendage.

In an effort to weed out the true believers from the great unwashed, I’ve composed this series of questions.

Do you prefer sew-ups or clinchers? True believers ride clinchers, preferably with black sidewalls. Effete, snobby posers ride tubulars. And Tufos are for wild-eyed heretics. In a perfect world, they’d be burned at the stake!

Do you wear a helmet or go without? True believers wear helmets. Heathens do not. A baseball cap turned around backward does not count as a helmet unless it’s lined with aluminum foil to keep out the government’s mind control rays.

Do you prefer Campy or Shimano? True believers use Campy. Birkenstock-wearing heathens who go without underwear at all times ride Shimano.

Do you use clips and straps or do you prefer clipless pedals? Heathens with sore bums and S&M fetishes use clips.

Do you ride a multi-speed bike or a fixed gear?
It is widely believed that the FSM himself, despite the dangling noodly bits, rides a fixed gear. Need I say more?

Finally, have you been baptized by a can of WD-40 when the nozzle stuck? A can of cooking spray is a good substitute in an emergency.

If you answered ‘yes’ to all of these questions, please go burn one and have another beer. If any of the answers were ‘42’, consider getting immediate psychiatric help. As for the rest of you – on yer bikes ya lazy scum! Arr! Arr!

6 Comments:

Blogger the old bag said...

clinchers
helmet
shimano baby
yes
yes
YES *ack* *pooh*

...looks like I'm only half-noodlin'...

8:42 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Clinchers. Tubulars for racin' where possible to still buy cross tubs.

Helmet me. There's too many other fuckers on the road.

Campy, so long as I can afford.

Spuds for road. Half and half off.

Multi stoopid. Too unfit for less.

Thanks for the reminder to buy some for desperate measures. But I'm more of an ecowarrior spray bottle type.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Fritz said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Fritz said...

"If you answered yes..." Umm, these weren't all yes-and-no questions, and of course a doctrine test is guaranteed to create schism. Your theology is too black-and-white for my tastes. What an intolerant religion that can't accept the diversity of clinchers and tubulars, Shimano and Campy, helmets and bare heads. I do draw the line at clips, of course, and baptism must be done in the name of Triflow. Thus sayeth the True Prophet Cyclelicious. Amen.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Ed W said...

I should have worked in something from one of the local MTB guys who sprayed his bike with cooking spray prior to a muddy race. I'd assume that helped keep some of the crud from adhering to the frame, but since I don't ride MTB, I don't have any experience with it. Still, it may be nice have a bike that smells like butter!

12:31 PM  
Blogger James said...

I normally wouldn’t answer questions of a religious nature online, but your post gives me an opportunity to finally get this off my chest. I would have never dreamed of saying this ten years ago, but over time it has become clear to me. It sounds like a sacrilege, but I believe that Shimano just makes better stuff than Campy. In fact, I don’t even like Campy anymore. There, I said it and it feels good. It’s OK if you don’t agree with me yet. Your own personal epiphany will come soon enough.

12:02 PM  

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