Monday, March 13, 2006

This just in...

(Faux News) "Your All-Terrorism-All-The-Time Network"

(Close-up on anchor, Dave Cipriani.)

"Faux News has learned that Critical Mass, a group of bicycle riders who claim they have a right to use the public roads and regularly block motor vehicle travel, causing major traffic disruption and gridlock, has been declared a terrorist front organization after federal investigators found links between Critical Mass activists and numerous suspect foreign organizations based in Europe and the Far East, including China."

"More after this."

(Cut to commercial)

"Are your whites bright? Are your colors vibrant? Or are they dull disappointments? You need new WhiteWash - the only detergent that fights dingy colors caused by the chemical contaminants that terrorists add to our water! Get brilliant whites and colors by using new WhiteWash! Remember - it's better to fight them in our washing machines than in our streets!"
(Back from commercial)

"Goverment investigators linked Critical Mass anarchists to several foreign organizations, including the UCI and the Italian "Gazetto dello Sport" flagged for its obvious communist ties because it's printed on pink paper. Furthermore, many bicycling activists have suspicious, foreign-sounding names that often end in vowels. That alone is sufficient to put them on a federal watch list. Homeland Security spokesman, Harold Swampgas, had this to say:"

"We already know the Critical Mass people are fronts for subversive organizations, and we suspect that all bicyclists are closet Bolsheviks, non-conformists who are out to cripple our economy by not buying SUVs and lots of gasoline, supporting American industry and our troops abroad as they valiantly struggle to make all the Middle East safe for multi-national American petroleum companies....and is that a RED tie you're wearing, Mr. Cipriani?"

"Uh...why, yes, it is!"

"For more on this story, we go to our midwest correspondent, Dave Smith, live from Tulsa, Oklahoma:"

"Thanks, Dave. I'm standing on a street corner in Tulsa, Oklahoma, part of the heartland of America. I've been here for almost an hour and haven't seen a single terrorist cyclist. Wait! There's one approaching now! He's about a block away, and HE ACTUALLY STOPPED AT A STOP SIGN! He's getting closer now. Cars are passing him as an eerie silence descends. No one is honking! Wait! He's slowing now and he's signalling a turn! None of the motorists seem concerned at this disturbing turn of events. Dave, I'm wondering now if Homeland Security could be mistaken about all bicyclists being Bolsheviks, and whether terro...."

(Screen tiles, then abruptly goes blank. Static crashes from speaker. Return to studio shot.)

"We are having technical difficulties with our live feed from Tulsa. We'll return to Dave after the weather. Here's John Flagwaver with the forecast."

(Camera changes to John Flagwaver in front of a weather map)

"Thanks, Dave. As you can see, there's a terrorist-inspired cold front pushing down from Canada. Once again, the Canadians couldn't stop it..."

(And so it goes.)

3 Comments:

Blogger George said...

I see you're a big fan on the "War on Terror" too:-)

Good post.

5:10 AM  
Blogger Fritz said...

You're probably not too far off the mark. I have suspect that I'm on a watchlist because of my activities.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Karl said...

I just stumbled across this at PWC's online store and remembered reading this post yesterday. Enjoy:

http://www.peterwhitecycles.com/wmds.htm

4:17 PM  

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